Last weekend, my friend and I had dinner in a Vietnamese restaurant so small it could accommodate no more than ten tables. It’s a popular place in central London and with the queue for reservations snaking out of the door, we were asked if we wouldn’t mind sitting at a table for four, the only free seats, along with two men of about our age. Totally fine! None of us minded and we said pleasant hellos before starting up our own conversations.
My friend and I kept our voices low, but the men clearly forgot (or didn’t care) about our close proximity, so it was impossible not to listen in as they caught each other up on their respective sex lives.
It was accidental, but not without intrigue then, that we heard one of them say, “The sex was good, but we just don’t have a spiritual connection.”
And here began my obsession.
What is a spiritual connection?
The obvious first thing to do was determine exactly what he meant by ‘spiritual connection’.
I wasn’t going to give myself away as an eavesdropper and ask him so I can’t say what he personally meant, but according to Lilith Foxx, the board-certified sexologist and intimacy coach I turned to, a spiritual connection goes deeper than a crush or feeling an attraction towards someone.
It’s a bond that “exists on a deeper plane,” she says.
“It can feel like meeting a person whose energy syncs with yours in a way that is grounding, familiar, or fated. People describe it as a sense of recognition or peace, as though they have known this person before.”
Immediately, this feels like a lot for this man in the restaurant to ask from a girl he’s been seeing for, from what I can gather, just a few weeks. Foxx agrees.
While a “spiritual connection can sometimes feel immediate or as though something just clicks,” she says, it’s more often the case that it takes time to develop into a sense of being with the ‘right’ person.
“The spark may feel magical, but true spiritual resonance usually unfolds gradually as two people build trust and understanding,” she explains.
Young people and spirituality
This search for a magical spark and spiritual resonance is part of a much wider trend, with spirituality and a belief in a higher power, whether that be mystical, romantic or religious, growing in popularity over the past five years.
The Belief in Britain Report found earlier this year that young people are both more spiritual and more religious than older generations. In fact, 64% of GenZers surveyed described themselves as spiritual, meaning they seek “a deeper connection with the universe, nature, or a higher power.”
“Emotional connection is ‘I see you and you see me,’ whereas spiritual connection is more ‘We’re part of something bigger than just the two of us.’” - Kirsten Trammell
Women are leading the change, with 80% of Gen Z women self-describing as spiritual according to Springtide Research, though men follow close behind at 77%. A focus on mindfulness, wellbeing and slow living are likely key drivers of this change, with their rise following the cost-of-living crisis and other social challenges providing a safe space for people to connect with themselves offline and outside of work.
Spiritual connections VS emotional connections
It’s no wonder, as other elements of our lives are seeped in spiritual understanding, that our romantic connections too need that added boost of meaning.
But, despite the new focus our spiritual sides are now seeing, maybe this early on in their relationship, the man in the restaurant should have been focusing on building an emotional, rather than spiritual, connection with his partner.
The former, Foxx explains, “Grows from mutual vulnerability, trust, and empathy. It is the comfort that comes from being seen and understood, where you can express your full self without fear of judgment.”
The two connections sound so similar, but tantric sex coach and psychotherapist Kirsten Trammell puts it well when she tells me, “Emotional connection is ‘I see you and you see me,’ whereas spiritual connection is more ‘We’re part of something bigger than just the two of us.’”
Her advice to the man in the restaurant?
“We live in a world where we want everything instantly, but emotional and spiritual connections often take time to build, establish, and deepen.”
However, she can see where he’s coming from. Having a spiritual connection with someone, Trammell says, can definitely lead to better – much better – sex.
Do you need to have a spiritual connection with someone to have good sex?
“For sex specifically, emotional connection creates safety, which is crucial for arousal,” Trammell says. “When you feel emotionally connected, you can relax, be vulnerable, express desires, and stay present with pleasure instead of managing anxiety.”
But better than that? Well, Trammel says, “Spiritual connection during sex is what people often describe as ‘transcendent’ or ‘tantric’ experiences. It’s when sex stops being a physical experience and becomes an experience of energy, consciousness, or something that feels sacred—even if you’re not religious. This is the difference between mechanical sex and sex that feels expansive, alive, or even transformative.”
There’s no denying that transformative sex sounds amazing. But how realistic is it? I still can’t help thinking that this is a lot for the man in the restaurant to ask of the woman he’s seeing.
To sleep with someone, having an emotional connection is important. Lacking it plainly means bad sex, with one not understanding and therefore meeting the other’s needs. And a spiritual connection clearly means great, mind-blowing sex.
“Emotional connection builds gradually through repeated experiences of vulnerability and trust” - Kirsten Trammell
But as Foxx points out, “Both can deepen pleasure, but they are not prerequisites for good sex. Physical attraction, communication, and curiosity can still create fulfilling intimacy on their own.”
And Trammel says the same – sort of. Because as soon as she’s got my hopes up that I’ve had at least some good sex in my life despite the lack of spiritual connection I’ve felt with anyone at all, she dashes it again.
“You absolutely do not need either to have physically pleasurable sex. Your body can experience intense sensation and orgasm with someone you barely know. However, if you’re asking whether you need these connections for deeply fulfilling, memorable, ‘I didn’t know sex could be like that’ experiences—yes, at least one of them matters,” she says.
I’ve never felt a spiritual connection with anyone!
Does this mean I should give up on dating? No, both experts promise me.
While we might desire a ‘soul connection’ or love at first sight, Foxx says it’s much more meaningful to let a spiritual bond form over time. And Trammel agrees.
“Emotional connection builds gradually through repeated experiences of vulnerability and trust,” she says.
Sure, you might be lucky enough to experience an instantaneous spiritual connection with someone at first glance, but that ‘electric recognition’ will still need work to keep it up as your relationship develops.
“It emerges when emotional safety and physical presence combine to create the conditions for deeper states,” she says of spiritual connections.
So to the man in the restaurant, I say, give the girl a chance! You might be just a few shared experiences and vulnerable conversations away from the most transcendent sex of your life. Give it time!
